"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves" -Victor Frankl

In life coaching we talk about "The Manual", which is a belief or set of beliefs about how somebody else should behave so that we can feel better.

 We have all read manuals on how to do things like assemble a piece of furniture or install a new tv, but people don't come with manuals. However, does that stop us from trying to create our own manuals for the people in our life? Of course not.

These rules we put upon the major people in our life play over and over in our minds, and they only cause more unnecessary stress.

My mother and me

Since we just celebrated Mother’s Day, I have been thinking about the manual I used to have for my mother, as well as the one I had for my daughter.

For years I had a manual for how my mother was supposed to behave: She was not supposed to be negative; she was supposed to look for opportunities to get involved with others—I knew that helping others would make her feel better. She was supposed to be curious and interested in my life.

 My mother didn’t know that I had a manual for her.

I would just spin the same thoughts in my head and mostly come up empty on her following my rules. But guess what? I spent all that time being sad that she wasn’t behaving the way I thought she should when in fact, she was being who she was intended to be and I was trying to make her who I thought she should be.

Years later, I realized I was wrong and that I missed many golden opportunities with my mom because she wasn’t meeting my expectations.

My daughter and me

As a mother, I struggled for years with a manual I have for my daughter. The manual states my daughter should not have a tattoo.

Guess what? My daughter has many tattoos. 

I struggled and struggled and fought to let go of the manual, but I held tight to it. My daughter wanted to talk to me about them and explain the art behind her tattoos, but I didn’t want to hear what she had to say. I was firm holding on to my manual, it wasn't that I thought girls shouldn't have tattoos (my daughter in law has them and I don't judge her for them). I was more worried about people thinking negatively of her, when in reality, I was the one judging my daughter

I happen to have the coolest daughter.  She is funny, bright, inquisitive and cares about everyone and everything; from the smallest animal to the most misunderstood person. I believe I have finally put The Manual for my daughter away.  It wasn’t easy, but I worked hard to understand that my thoughts and manual were wrong, my daughter can have tattoos and I can love her unconditionally.

Who do you have a manual for in your personal or professional life? I can help you learn how to throw away manuals you have for others. Is it time to stop trying to change others and work on changing yourself?

If you are ready to make some changes go to nancybeardcoachingllc.com, or click the link below and try out a free 45 minute coaching session.